positive mantras


“At least I don’t have a big penis nose.”

Total fat hysteria time.  I woke up this morning at the weight I was the last time I had to take a good hard look in the mirror and admit I was seriously out of control. I want to freak out and scream and bat the fat off like a plague of cellulite.  I kinda feel like I can’t breathe and I want to say hurtful things to myself about what an awful partner I am to arrrt arrrrrt around the house like an elephant seal in lobster jammy pants.  NO WONDER he is playing video games on his phone until it’s shower and read a book time.  In a dedicated panic, I bought two large bags of lemons and swore that I would starve and do P90X at the same time.   blahhhhaaahahaha………fatness even makes my hair look dumb.


Just crawled out of a black hole > A call to arms

It was not a bad hole. It had birthday beers and snicker doodles but it did send two weeks of the challenge into a void. But I’m back and this week the focus is on upper body and Madonna arms (minus the veins). Woo-hoo. Here’s to kicking off a week of clean eating, barbells, modified push ups and 5 dates with the Gym. If I hit my goals this week I will reward my noodle arms with a manicure. So I’m putting it out there — Come next Monday I hope to honestly brag about:
* Meeting and not exceeding calorie goals for 6 days
* 5 days of tough workouts with a special emphasis on upper body.
* Daily tracking of activity.

Wrath of Abs week > progress report

Truth: I’ve been a bad girl. I have charts, inspiration links, complex calorie counters but I do NOT have the will to deny cookies or go for runs this week. It is day 4 of 7 in the Wrath of Abs challenge week. I have done two days of ab workouts and plan to do at least two more but I haven’t done jack squat for any other exercises. You know what? My abs don’t even hurt. That, my friends, will not release my inner foxy spirit animal in time for summer bikinis. I’m just putting it out there as a note-to-self to go to the gym 2xs this week before the next weigh in and birthday cake indulgence. Despite traveling this weekend I want to up my workout game before the Monday weigh in. 159…I have my eye on you.

Week 2 > Wrath of Abs

Monday morning is weigh-in time and we get to see the results of our first week of fitness challenge. It also kicks off Abs Week where we make an extra effort to concentrate on our core. Outside of strategies for concealing muffin top – I haven’t given this area much thought over the past, say, five years. Speaking of muffin top, Heather’s blog Muffin Top is a good source for health and fitness inspiration.I googled some resources for ab exercises for reference during the next week:

Active.com – Top 8 ab exercises. I like this resource guide for the clear illustrations.
Sparkpeople.com – 15 minute ab workout video – straight forward and a minimal time commitment
Sarahfit.com – Sarah is a personal trainer and maker of slightly valley-girlish fitness videos. She has assembled a very organized and totally awesome fitness resource library. Thanks Sarah.

This just in: My boyfriend walked by, squeezed my arm, and said “still mushy”. Charming. Now on to Wrath of Abs challenge > Full Power, Damn You!

Goals-come on head, get in the game



I am sort of overzealous and neurotic about things, with wandering focus. If I’m going to clean the kitchen; I start with the spice cabinet or finger prints …and four hours later, the Turmeric is the only thing that is where it belongs.  I only started giving a crap about exercising about a year and a half ago, and as soon as I managed to run three miles on the treadmill; I signed up for my first half and then full marathon.  When I quit training (four months ago); I took up binge eating Sour Patch Kids and Buffalo Wing Combos (no, they are not good). In fact, I have not run one single mile since then. I think actually, I am more obsessive than generally neurotic.  I picture neurotic people having clean cars all the time.  I was going somewhere with this? Oh right, goals. As a result of my not-always-directed-in-the-right-place OCD, I kinda suck at setting goals.  I will see that something needs to happen and will set a goal, but my head is more worried about whether the spice cabinet stayed clean.  I hope that the fitness spirit can woo my neurosis back to wanting nothing more than to be healthy and fit and abdelicious, cause right now, I am hyper-focusing on wall hangings and nothing else.  If not, it’s on me and it’s going to feel a lot more like getting a root canal than taking care of myself. 

Week One- The Monday I Actually Did Start

Day 1 (SDog)
5:30 am- clocked in at a svelte 152.8.  I was definitely torn between feeling inspired by my new high in the week I have allowed my scale to have batteries and feeling like this gigantic zit on my cheek must be contributing.  How does one gain almost four pounds by sleeping? And despite burning a decent temperature all night and fearing strep, I made it to boot camp this morning.  This is my fourth time going to this class in the last year and it has now become a cross between Silver Sneakers and The Biggest Loser, so working on my own personal motivation will be key.   I also downloaded an app called Lose It- which counts calories by using the bar scanner on food.  If I want to get back to 130 pounds, with a goal of losing 2 pounds per week, I have to  stick to 1,000 calories a day (more with exercise), which would put me where I want to be by early April.  The moral of the story being, get fat and you’re stuck with it for a while, and you will have to starve and work your ass off to lose it again. It’s funny, I remember reading Sweet Valley High when I was a kid and there was this chubby girl who they were trying to remodel and I can distinctly remember thinking that I kinda wished that some day I would gain a bunch of weight so I could wow everybody with my crazy dedication and radical transformation into a hot, rad body.  I’m pretty sure Sweet Valley High Soccer Moms would have just repeated the same scenario over and over.